Are your feelings helping or hurting you as an entrepreneur?
How knowing your values can help you trust your gut
By Melissa Davis
Is your intuition warning you it’s not the right decision? Or is it something else?
Here’s the scenario; You’ve just been offered a shot at a consulting gig with a big new client. You’ve had your eye on them and It’s doing work in your core genius… it’s a big commitment. But something just doesn’t feel right and you can’t put your finger on it.
As impact-driven humans and entrepreneurs, we want to make decisions that align us to our greatest potential, impact, and fulfillment. We also want to know that when our gut tells us something, we can trust it.
The sneaky problem is that while our feelings are often powerful tools in our toolbox, our feelings may not always be working on our behalf. In fact, they may be sending us mixed signals that make it challenging to know what the right decision is, even if we are on the right path. That sure can shake our confidence and send us into a spiral of doubt & chaos.
So, why do our feelings betray us sometimes?
Feelings as Double-Agents - Danger vs. Values
Enter the ring;
Agent #1 - Values
In corner number 1, Values.
Our values are what’s most important to us and they create a lens through which we view the world and others in it. Our ‘values agent' is on a mission to be our internal GPS, guiding our behavior, decisions, and even our purpose and impact in the world.
After our basic needs are met (food, shelter, safety), we use our values system to guide our behavior. They are the filters we use to decide how we spend our valuable resources - our time, money, & energy.
We feel passionate, fulfilled, and aligned when we’re living and making decisions aligned to our values, even if we can’t articulate them. In fact, when we’re aligned with our top values, we’re living in alignment to our purpose. On the other hand, when we aren’t fully living one or more of our top values, we feel it. We may feel uneasy, unsettled, anxious, confused, frustrated, or even angry. Big clues, right?
Agent #2 - The Limbic Brain
In corner number 2, our lizard brain.
Our limbic brain is the ancient part of our brain that triggers a fight or flight response when there is a perceived threat. He’s a steadfast and gritty agent with a singular mission, to keep is safe & alive. Really safe. Like wrapped up in a padded room safe.
We may feel anxiety, fear, or even dread when our Limbic agent senses danger. This function used to be a life-saving feature, but we rarely worry about encountering tigers or deadly snakes anymore. Now, this response is most often triggered when we’re faced with a path or decision that takes us away from the “known”.
Doing something different feels risky and our limbic bran has 1 job, to maintain the status quo and keep us safe. Different is just WAY TOO risky! Taking risks, even ones we know are no real physical danger, may feel like our very life is threatened. High five against fear (sarcasm).
The Double Agent: Fear, resistance, anxiety, and even confusion may be our ancient brain wreaking havoc when our values and our desires are actually aligned - GAH!
Why we fall prey to the Limbic Brain
Of course, the reality is that 99% of the time we’re not actually in danger, and achieving growth beyond where we are right now to reach our full potential requires that we take risks, make changes, and try new things.
So, why don’t values automatically win in the rink? Why isn’t is obvious to us that the great consulting gig is (or isn’t) a perfectly aligned opportunity for us?
The reality is, that without being clear on our values and how to talk about & live them, we end up relying on the feelings we experience around our decisions, interactions, or experiences to let us know if it’s “right” or aligned with us.
The problem with relying on feelings is that sometimes we experience negative feelings because our values are out of alignment (great!), but sometimes we experience negative feelings because our limbic brain is simply trying to keep us safe. That darn double-agent!
How do we know what our feelings are really telling us?
Overriding our limbic brain is a tall order (and it would still be nice to have it tip-top in case of a zombie apocalypse or an escaped pool snake), but we CAN tackle our values.
The great news - uncovering and defining our values gives us the ability to intentionally align to our values and identify what we’re really feeling so we can make decisions based on our values instead of our well-intentioned, but fear-driven brain.
In the case of our consulting opportunity, knowing our values will let us know where to look for clues that our values may not be fully aligned so we can understand if there’s an issue.
Identifying and being able to articulate our top values is so important to distinguishing WHY we’re feeling what we’re feeling. Are we feeling unsettled and anxious because our niche or the offer we just created isn’t right? Or is it because we’re simply embarking on something big and scary? Having clarity on our values allows us to evaluate our feelings and take action, knowing we’re headed in the right direction.
Fortunately, our core values show up in very tangible ways in our lives, giving us real evidence of them and the important roles they play in our lives. If you’d like to investigate & understand your values more deeply, download my free Values Clarity Guide & Exercise (link to download page).
Ask yourself these questions to tune into your values;
Once you’re clear on your core values and understand what it means for you to fully live them, it may be helpful to ask yourself these questions to understand if what you’re feeling is coming from your values or your Limbic Brain wreaking havoc.
Is this decision/action/path conflicting with one or more of my core values? If there is a conflict, is there a way to modify what I’m doing to better align to my values? For example, if your value of Life-Balance feels compromised, can you ask to modify a schedule or work remotely?
Are any of my values conflicting with each other? Occasionally, one of our own values will conflict with another. ‘Accountability’ or ‘Responsibility’ are one of the big ones. They often conflict with values like ‘fun’, ‘creativity’, ‘adventure’, or even values like ‘courage’, ‘efficiency’, and ‘innovation’. In these cases, it’s important to investigate which should take priority or even if it’s worth sacrificing one for the other in this circumstance.
If all of my values seem to be in alignment with this decision/activity/path, what else might be going on? It’s possible that there are factors connected that we are not conscious of, but are still influencing us. This is especially true when making decisions about partnering or connecting with other people. We may feel like something just feels off. Maybe they were just a little dismissive of an important point you brought up, or didn’t follow up with your client after a collaborative coaching session. Dig into this, what is their behavior telling you about their values? Is it a pattern you notice? Sometimes things that are subtle, warrant that you slow down to find out more before diving in.
If you clear these questions, then you can feel pretty confident that those not-so-great feelings are coming from your Limbic Brain trying to keep you on that slow and steady path to status-quo land.
That consulting gig? Turns out, the idea of a big commitment like that may threaten the flexibility you need to be there for your kids when they get off the bus after school. Family is your number one value, so after talking with the Executive Director, you’ve come together on a plan to partner with another consultant to split the contract up and create the flexibility you need. Big win.
And if you do find yourself hijacked by your Limbic Brain, let yourself feel it. Acknowledging fear and resistance along with the reason it shows up is the fastest way through it. By saying something as simple as “I’m experiencing some hesitation/resistance/fear because this is outside of my comfort zone.” will speed up processing so you can move forward.
To big & wonderfully scary journeys my friend!
Melissa Davis
